Suicide, Shame, Selfishness, and Matt Walsh

When I was 10 years old my father took me to see Mrs. Doubtfire.  It was a big deal because we didn't see movies often--and never had I then, nor now, seen another movie with just my father. Last month, my father died. Several days ago Robin Williams died.  It's an interesting connection to me...and maybe one of the reason's Robin William's death has been so difficult for me.  My heart goes out to his family.  I'm sorry for their loss; it must be so much harder for them than it is for me. He was an amazing and caring man.

One of the most popular articles I've seen shared since the passing of Robin Williams as been Matt Walsh's, "Robin Williams did not die from a disease, he died from his choice." And frankly, it upsets me. He is calling suicide what he thinks it is. "A terrible, monstrous atrocity...The complete, total, absolute rejection of life. The final refusal to see the worth in anything, or the beauty, or the reason, or the point, or the hope. The willingness to saddle your family with the pain and misery and anger that will now plague them for the rest of their lives..." He refers to suicide as a heinous deed and goes on to say, " We want to say nice things, I realize, but it isn’t nice to lie about suicide. It is not freeing. In suicide you obliterate yourself and shackle your loved ones with guilt and grief. There is no freedom in it. There is no peace. How can I free myself by attempting to annihilate myself?"

I have less of an issue with Matt Walsh calling suicide a choice--because it is--even though it does not feel like there is a choice. His post feels like he is walking a very fine line from calling suicide selfish (which many others have). Suicide is not about selfishness. Suicide is more about ending the pain that feels like it will never go away. It is not about shackling your loved ones with guilt and grief--it is about being exhausted and depressed and hopeless from the shackles that have bound you. I refuse to live my life believing my brother or Robin Williams refused to see the worth in anything or the beauty in life--because he (my brother) specifically made an effort to spend time with me.  I chose to believe that was because he cared for me.

I don't enitrely agree with the, "Genie, you're free" photos either--I think they trend towards idealizing suicide.  But you know what--for a lot of people that are suicidal it is ending your bondage to depression and hopelessness.  What kind of life is entirely devoid of happiness? But more important than the clinical professionals--what about the people that are dealing with depression and suicide themselves?  How do you feel about this "Genie, you're free" post? I think your opinion is just as (if not more) important.  Mat Walsh does end his article saying some more positive things but the message he gave over the course of the post is not reversed. As someone that studies suicide grief and has lived the majority of his life grieving over the loss of his own brother to suicide, Matt Walsh referring to suicide as heinous (sinful) offends me. It feels very shaming.

I wonder where this whole shame and stigma thing with suicide comes from. I wonder where this belief about suicide being selfish comes from. It actually feels like saying "Suicide is selfish," is selfish.  How? Because you are not concerned with the pain the person who thinks their life is not worth living--you are more concerned with your own. As said well by Katie Hurley, it is often because of the loved ones and thinking about these loves ones that someone that is suicidal hangs on for one more day.  This gets even more complicated when we take into account the fact people that attempt suicide often perceive themselves as burdens--so leaving would actually be (again) unselfish.

Again, I do believe there is absolutely hope for things to get better.  Talking about your pain is one of the best things you can do.  Dismissing or discounting another's is just about the worst.  Let's focus on mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that need comfort.  There is already too much pain and judgement in this world.

Sample Letter of Intent or Purpose Statement

Applying to graduate school is hard.  Sometimes I think it is harder than the graduate program itself.  It's easy to say that since I just finished my Master's program.  I was singing a different tune last semester and I bet I'll be singing a different tune next year in my PhD program. Each school has their own process and some are very different.  Some still require things to be mailed in almost entirely by snail mail--which I find hard to belief.

When my wife was applying to Physical Therapy programs many schools participated in an online system that would then send your application to each school.  No such luck within the Social Sciences :(

I have included the letters of intent or purpose statements that I used in my applications to UNLV's Master's of Marriage and Family Therapy and to the University of Minnesota's Family Social Science with a Couple and Family Therapy emphasis Ph.D. programs.  Both of which I was accepted to.

This is my purpose statement for UNLV's MFT program.

UMN's CFT program required two letters.  They are here and here.

I hope this goes without saying, but I'm going to say it.  Don't just copy these letters and turn them in.  Please use them however.  The purpose statement really is one of your best places to talk about you. So do it--copying someone else's makes little sense. I found it immensely useful to read other letters of intent for people that had been accepted into graduate programs.  Ideally within your own field.  Maybe someday I'll get some other examples within the social sciences and perhaps some in other fields.

Sample Informed Consent

Creating documents and forms and the formatting involved is one of my least favorite things in the world.  In hopes to provide some assistance to others in the same situation I have been creating paperwork for my own private practice I will include what I have.  I am not a lawyer so don't take these documents as ironclad.  Just a help.  I have included a few examples that I have and use in my own practice.

This document here (that is client information and informed consent)                        Or this one here

Reflective Listening Cheat Sheet

Throughout my training as a couple and family therapist I have learned the importance of getting people to talk to each other.  As we start in therapy most people typically talk about each other through the therapist. It seems to me that this is triangulation at its heart--though often a necessary part of the process; sometimes the relationship is just too volatile to allow deep emotions to be expressed to each other without a safe mediator between them (a therapist).

One of the tools that I have learned to get people to talk to each other is to do highly structured exercise.  It can be really difficult to just jump into reflective listening, so I have a cheat sheet that I have used with great success.  It helps in session and some even have success with it outside of session in their own "couch sessions."

Basically it is a fill in the blank exercise:

When _______________________________ I feel/think/_______________________________.

When _______________________________You feel/think_____________________________.


You can see the file uploaded on google drive here or the picture below.

Re-reconsidering Sleepovers

Recently, I had a friend post an article about reconsidering sleepovers. (The article can be found here)  I think the article makes some great suggestions about things to consider when having a sleepover, but something about the way the article is written rubs me a little wrong.  I grew up with a few kids that were not allowed to have or come to sleepovers but also went to more than a few myself.  I don't think one way or the other is "the right answer" for all people.  

My biggest concern with the article is that I get the feeling it is saying it's only safe to be at home--no one else is be trusted.  The article cites an article from the New York Times that reports only 8% of children are abused by strangers (and my understanding of this in the article is to not let your kids be alone with friends at their homes).  However, either article fails to acknowledge that most abuse happens within the child's own home. By family members. 

What are your thoughts?

Family Drawings

Throughout therapy family-of-origin issues (FOO) often arise and are often a source of conflict for couples.  One of the ways in which I like to address this topic is to ask clients to draw pictures of and discuss their families.  As an introduction to boundaries and bottom lines I like to introduce open and closed family systems to begin the process of reflection about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

Every family system has a method by which it operates--this system has in impact on the development of the family members.  Though family systems can be very complex it is sometimes helpful to break them down into two types: open and closed.

Families are not always only open or only closed--many times families vary between the two.  Characteristics of OPEN families are:
1.  The family is flexible--change is welcome
2.  Feelings are allowed and shared
3.  Individual differences are allowed and encourages
4.  Mistakes are disciplined and forgiven
5.  Family and life roles are chosen by the individual
6. The family system serves/exists for its members
7.  The family supports and develops the individual

Characteristics of CLOSED families are:
1.  The family is rigid and secretive
2.  The family controls which feelings are allowed.
3.  Individual identity is lost in the family
4.  Mistakes are punished, judged, and shamed
5.  Family roles are assigned by the family
6.  The individual serves or exists for the family
7.  The family is more important than the individual



Note--I think some of these definitions are ethnocentric (of White, European families) and more about being individualistic or pluralistic.  I think that the exercise is still a good one.  I have attached the entire worksheet and prompts for drawings about certain experiences.

John Gottman's Love Map

One of my favorite homework assignments for couples is to assign the couple to go on a date and complete the Gottman Love Map exercise.  Basically it is an intense getting to know you questionnaire that ranges from favorite color to favorite sex position.  The questionnaire can be found here.

These questions can help a couple to spend some quality time together engaged in learning about one another.  Ideally, the questions lead to further conversation--at the very least there are 62 ideas for conversation.