Reflective Listening Cheat Sheet

Throughout my training as a couple and family therapist I have learned the importance of getting people to talk to each other.  As we start in therapy most people typically talk about each other through the therapist. It seems to me that this is triangulation at its heart--though often a necessary part of the process; sometimes the relationship is just too volatile to allow deep emotions to be expressed to each other without a safe mediator between them (a therapist).

One of the tools that I have learned to get people to talk to each other is to do highly structured exercise.  It can be really difficult to just jump into reflective listening, so I have a cheat sheet that I have used with great success.  It helps in session and some even have success with it outside of session in their own "couch sessions."

Basically it is a fill in the blank exercise:

When _______________________________ I feel/think/_______________________________.

When _______________________________You feel/think_____________________________.


You can see the file uploaded on google drive here or the picture below.

The Miracle Question

Suppose tonight, after you go to bed and fall asleep, while you are sleeping, a miracle happens.  The miracle is that the problem or problems you are struggling with are solved!  Just like that!  Since you are sleeping, however, you don't know that the miracle happened.  You sleep right through the whole event.  When you wake up tomorrow morning, what would be some of the first things that you would notice that would be different and that would tell you that the miracle has happened and that your problem is solved?

Genograms

As part of the program here at UNLV we meet with a supervisor twice a week for our practicum.  The practicum in which I am currently assigned requires that we make a "case presentation" every few weeks.  As part of this presentation we are required to have a basic genogram (which is basically a family tree).  While genograms are an integral part of Bowenian or Multigenerational Family Therapy, I have really found the technique to be very helpful in early session to bring out more information about the family--especially patterns and interplay between members.  Below is the cheat sheet I use for making genograms.

I Statements (and how to use/teach them) AND Reflective listening

In the early 1970s Thomas Gordon introduced a concept to the family sciences called "I statements: (Gordon, 1970).  It has since become a common and early starting point for couples/group therapy.  It's commonly taught as a way to improved communication and I've used it with my wife as well as clients with great success.  However, I was tricked this week.

We began by briefly introducing the concept of I-statements to a family while helping a family to structure a conversation.  First, the family members began by using I-statements to speak to each other through us (the co-therapists).  As this was progressing well, we then asked the family to move their chairs to face each other, and begin to use these I-statements to speak to each other.  The child then made a statement about his feelings about a disagreement.  The parent then responded with, "I thought I made it clear..."  It was about here that I jumped back in and mentioned the implications behind the statement.  (Being that if the child misunderstood differently the child is dumb because the parent made it easy to understand) It was at this point I realized that I needed to improved my teaching about using I-statements because all my rules had been followed...  So I'm going to work to improve that.



Burr, W.S., (1990).  Beyond i-statements in family communication.  Family Relations, 39(3), 266-273.


Gordon, T. (1970). Parent Effectiveness Training.  New York: Wyden.

Update:

It's been almost a year now since my first attempt get a family to use I statements in session.  They still try to trick me--but I expect it now.  I pretty much always provide people with a template:

"When ______________________________  I feel __________________________."
"When you stay at work until 10pm I feel like I'm not important."


"When you flirt with other women I feel like you don't care about me."
"When you ask me why I didn't take out the trash I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for you."



This exercise pairs very well with reflective listening:

First, one partner says how they feel. Then the other reflects it back.
A to B: "When you work until 10pm it makes me feel like you care more about work than me!"
B to A:"When I work until 10pm it makes you feel like I care more about work than you."
If it was not reflected back correctly, A corrects.

Once A has expressed his/her feelings entirely and B has reflected them, B begins to reflect feelings to A and A reflects them back

Reflective listening is really the ONLY way to ensure that communication and actual understanding is taking place.  Usually we listen to respond/defend.  Which really means we are not listening for understanding.  Why listen at all if not for understanding?