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Discernment Counseling (working with couples who are leaning different ways on divorce)
Common Therapist Mistakes:
- Pursue the distance to get them to try therapy
- Hold back meaningful help unless they both want therapy
- Launching half-hearted couples therapy
Overview of Discernment Counseling with Mixed Agenda Couples
- Goal: greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about divorcing, and better equipped to understand their prospects for reconciliation.
- Make a clear distinction between discernment counseling and marital therapy.
- Short term: 1-5 sessions. Preferably weekly, but sometimes biweekly (makes it more intense)
- Structure: after assessment and agreement on doing discernment counseling, sessions consist of three parts:
- brief check in with couple
- separate conversations with each partner
- brief summary/check-out at the end
- Frame three paths:
- stay married as it has been
- move towards divorce
- agree on a six-month reconciliation period with all-out effort in therapy (and using other resources) with divorce off the table--and then make a decision about the long term future.
- Use different approaches with leaning-in and leaning-out partners (adapted by Doherty from Betty Carter)
- Leaning out: help them make a decision based on a more complex understanding of the marriage and own role in its problems
- Leaning in: help them bring best self to the crisis, not making things worse, using it as a wake-up call to work on self.
- Outcomes: launching couples therapy and other help for six months, move towards divorce with better understanding and acceptance, or stay on hold for now.
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Christian Counseling Everett | Family Counseling Services | We treat individuals, couples and families – Agape Help
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