The 5 Love Languages

I've found (not like it was really a surprise my wife would say, I'm sure) that I like having very structured sessions in therapy.  I like lists and structuring just about everything--even if that means I plan to have no plan or structure a session to have no structure.  Does that even make sense?  

So cut to yesterday, a fellow student and I are preparing to go into a session with a couple (it's fairly standard practice here to go co-therapy with couples and families--we like the dynamics and also all need the relational hours) and we make an outline for things to cover in session.  We begin session and start with our list--but it just felt off to us.  We ask a few questions and we get down to an issue of communication and how each partner understands love.

So we began a brief psychoeducation process about the 5 Love Languages developed by Dr. Gary Chapman.    While it can be said that the 5 Love Languages are "pop-psychology", I believe there is a lot of truth to them.

 The basic gist of the 5 Love Languages is that people have different ways of expressing and understand emotions (love).  By this I mean that partner 1 may use a different method than partner 2, but also that partner 1 may express emotion in one way and understand it differently.  Though it seems pretty common that it is both expressed and understood the same way.  These five love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation
1. Actions don't always speak louder than words.  If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.  Hearing the words, "I love you," are important--hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.  Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2. Quality Time
1. For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you,:" like full, undivided attention.  Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there--with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby--makes you significant others feel truly special and loved.  Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
3. Receiving Gifts
1. Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.  If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.  A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous--so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4. Acts of Service
1. Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love?  Absolutely!  Anything you do to easy the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you."  Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter.
5. Physical Touch
1. This language isn't all about the bedroom.  A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy.  Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face--they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.  Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable  and destructive.