I Statements (and how to use/teach them) AND Reflective listening

In the early 1970s Thomas Gordon introduced a concept to the family sciences called "I statements: (Gordon, 1970).  It has since become a common and early starting point for couples/group therapy.  It's commonly taught as a way to improved communication and I've used it with my wife as well as clients with great success.  However, I was tricked this week.

We began by briefly introducing the concept of I-statements to a family while helping a family to structure a conversation.  First, the family members began by using I-statements to speak to each other through us (the co-therapists).  As this was progressing well, we then asked the family to move their chairs to face each other, and begin to use these I-statements to speak to each other.  The child then made a statement about his feelings about a disagreement.  The parent then responded with, "I thought I made it clear..."  It was about here that I jumped back in and mentioned the implications behind the statement.  (Being that if the child misunderstood differently the child is dumb because the parent made it easy to understand) It was at this point I realized that I needed to improved my teaching about using I-statements because all my rules had been followed...  So I'm going to work to improve that.



Burr, W.S., (1990).  Beyond i-statements in family communication.  Family Relations, 39(3), 266-273.


Gordon, T. (1970). Parent Effectiveness Training.  New York: Wyden.

Update:

It's been almost a year now since my first attempt get a family to use I statements in session.  They still try to trick me--but I expect it now.  I pretty much always provide people with a template:

"When ______________________________  I feel __________________________."
"When you stay at work until 10pm I feel like I'm not important."


"When you flirt with other women I feel like you don't care about me."
"When you ask me why I didn't take out the trash I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for you."



This exercise pairs very well with reflective listening:

First, one partner says how they feel. Then the other reflects it back.
A to B: "When you work until 10pm it makes me feel like you care more about work than me!"
B to A:"When I work until 10pm it makes you feel like I care more about work than you."
If it was not reflected back correctly, A corrects.

Once A has expressed his/her feelings entirely and B has reflected them, B begins to reflect feelings to A and A reflects them back

Reflective listening is really the ONLY way to ensure that communication and actual understanding is taking place.  Usually we listen to respond/defend.  Which really means we are not listening for understanding.  Why listen at all if not for understanding?

The 5 Love Languages

I've found (not like it was really a surprise my wife would say, I'm sure) that I like having very structured sessions in therapy.  I like lists and structuring just about everything--even if that means I plan to have no plan or structure a session to have no structure.  Does that even make sense?  

So cut to yesterday, a fellow student and I are preparing to go into a session with a couple (it's fairly standard practice here to go co-therapy with couples and families--we like the dynamics and also all need the relational hours) and we make an outline for things to cover in session.  We begin session and start with our list--but it just felt off to us.  We ask a few questions and we get down to an issue of communication and how each partner understands love.

So we began a brief psychoeducation process about the 5 Love Languages developed by Dr. Gary Chapman.    While it can be said that the 5 Love Languages are "pop-psychology", I believe there is a lot of truth to them.

 The basic gist of the 5 Love Languages is that people have different ways of expressing and understand emotions (love).  By this I mean that partner 1 may use a different method than partner 2, but also that partner 1 may express emotion in one way and understand it differently.  Though it seems pretty common that it is both expressed and understood the same way.  These five love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation
1. Actions don't always speak louder than words.  If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.  Hearing the words, "I love you," are important--hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.  Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2. Quality Time
1. For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you,:" like full, undivided attention.  Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there--with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby--makes you significant others feel truly special and loved.  Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
3. Receiving Gifts
1. Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.  If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.  A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous--so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4. Acts of Service
1. Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love?  Absolutely!  Anything you do to easy the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you."  Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter.
5. Physical Touch
1. This language isn't all about the bedroom.  A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy.  Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face--they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.  Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable  and destructive.