Discernment Counseling (working with couples who are leaning different ways on divorce)

Common Therapist Mistakes:

1. Pursue the distance to get them to try therapy
2. Hold back meaningful help unless they both want therapy
3. Launching half-hearted couples therapy

Overview of Discernment Counseling with Mixed Agenda Couples

1. Goal:  greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about divorcing, and better equipped to understand their prospects for reconciliation.
2. Make a clear distinction between discernment counseling and marital therapy.
3. Short term:  1-5 sessions.  Preferably weekly, but sometimes biweekly (makes it more intense)
4. Structure:  after assessment and agreement on doing discernment counseling, sessions consist of three parts:
1. brief check in with couple
2. separate conversations with each partner
3. brief summary/check-out at the end
5. Frame three paths:
1. stay married as it has been
2. move towards divorce
3. agree on a six-month reconciliation period with all-out effort in therapy (and using other resources) with divorce off the table--and then make a decision about the long term future.
6. Use different approaches with leaning-in and leaning-out partners (adapted by Doherty from Betty Carter)
1. Leaning out:  help them make a decision based on a more complex understanding of the marriage and own role in its problems
2. Leaning in: help them bring best self to the crisis, not making things worse, using it as a wake-up call to work on self.
7. Outcomes:  launching couples therapy and other help for six months, move towards divorce with better understanding and acceptance, or stay on hold for now.